wild and precious life

It was one of those weeks.  I felt like I wasn’t doing a whole lot right, but most definitely was topping the list of wrongs.  I am attempting to quit drinking Coke. Don’t let me sugar coat this…but it has been terrible, beyond terrible, and worse than terrible!  Coke and desserts are two of my greatest joys and weaknesses in life.  Taking one of those away from me has been as bad as it would be if someone took away my books.  I caught Liberty washing her feet and socks in the bathroom sink after going to the bathroom instead of washing her hands like a normal toddler.  Bella yelled “BA BA BA BA BA” as loud as she could with that ever-famous mean face to a stranger at Wal-Mart, and soon after I was so embarrassed that I t-boned a parked cart.  I have had allergies or a cold that seem to have stuck with me for WEEKS, and hair that needs colored and cut worse than you can imagine.  (Did I forget to mention, while I was on the phone, I thought Liberty was playing ever-so-sweetly in the recliner…yes, ever so sweetly smearing Baby-Vicks all over her face, and probably trying to eat it!) I could write a book on her antics, and as Jake and I lie in bed at night we have talked about how ornery Bella seems to be and she may be worse than Liberty! What in the world could we be in for? J

Today, when Jake’s Grandma came over, I breathed a sigh of relief.  Finally, the overflowing sink of dishes could be done, the dishwasher cleaned out, the chicken shredded into casserole dishes for meals, and maybe I'd even have time to figure out what in the hell was wrong with my cell phone that will hold a charge for a whopping 4 minutes!  While I did the dishes I glanced over into the living room and saw both girls sitting on her lap reading books.  These moments take my breath away.  Our girls love all of their grandparents more than words…but you know how rare it is to have them BOTH in one spot doing the same thing, and not fighting!  I said a little prayer as I finished, thanking God for these moments.  Moments that cause our hearts to stop, and take note of how blessed we are.  Little did Alfreda know, that she had turned my tears into smiles, and our day into a beautiful one. 

As I carried Liberty up to her room to tuck her into bed for her nap, I whispered, “I’m sorry, baby.  Mommy won’t be so distracted after nap.  We’ll play, read books, and go outside”.  She smiled such a big smile, and kissed me on the lips, saying, “Love you, Mommy!”  How precious are the hearts of little children.  

This quote hit home as I surfed Pinterest the other night, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”  I know what I plan to do with mine.  I plan to love my children, my husband, my family and friends with all of my heart, spend less time worrying about how my hair and makeup look, more time being spontaneous and planning wild adventures for my kids, and more time telling all those I love how much they mean to me.

I am a farmer's wife.

I am a farmer’s wife.

I am a farmer’s wife.  The reality of those words doesn’t sink in as deeply until the first “busy” season of spring comes rolling in.  Or, in our case, I should say rolling out on the wheels of the tractor and planter.  I think there can be many misconceptions of what the life of a “farmer” consists of, so my account of it is just what OUR life as a farming family means.  Jake hates when I call him and his dad farmers.  He looks at it more in the sense of being an “entrepreneur,” and running their own business.

 

I grew up with a dad as a farmer, and we were always part of the yearly crops and livestock with my dad.  My dad was blessed with so much patience for his four girls.  I asked him recently if he was sad that he didn’t have a boy to pass his heritage and ground on to…he quickly said, no, he wasn’t, but he used to think that he needed a boy.  As the years went by, he taught my sisters and I how to do everything that boys would have done for him.  He quickly learned that girls have very soft hearts, and raising your voice might cause some tears to fall.  I loved my life at home.  I look back on my childhood and smile, both with love for my home, and respect for the parents who shaped me into who I am today.

As much as I loved my childhood, I rushed to grow up, and to become a farmer’s wife.  (That sure sounds good, doesn’t it?)  The pace of things around here with Jake and his dad is much quicker than I imagined.  I was terrified to help…but quickly overcame my fears.  Jake learned not to raise his voice with me, and I gained more love and respect for his family operation than I had ever dreamed.

After spending almost a decade with Jake, I've learned a few things.

When it rains…it doesn’t mean that we will spend the day rejoicing and dancing in the rain.  It simply means that day will consist of shop and mechanic work…and that it might be a late night because the lights in the shop are SO bright that they have no recollection of what time of day it is. (ever heard of a cell phone?)

Harvest time…it’s not about bringing hot meals to the field and everyone sitting down together.  It’s all about working from in the morning to midnight.  Every. Single. Day.  You never know when that rain or hail might come.  Jake used to not even STOP the combine for me to jump in and ride with him.  Now that the girls are here, he finally does. J

Planting/Drilling season…means that I better have loaves upon loaves of bread and lunch meat ready, because no meals will be shared with our beloved husband and dad.  We pray for rain, rain to bring up those precious seeds, and rain for a chance for Jake to sleep a full night, and to spend time at home.

And all that time in between…is devoted to spraying, raking, baling, hauling in bales, fixing fence for the cattle, getting the cattle in that are tearing through the neighbors pasture, and last but not least, building the girls’ jungle gym!

Crops grown counties away mean that my husband can spend a week at a time out of town.  Picture sun up to sun down, out in the country with two little kids…makes for some pretty long days.  It definitely comforts me to know that my husband is always working when he is away, and working his hardest to get home to us.

It sounds glorious, being a farmer’s wife.  Only those that live it, understand it.  Some days it proves to push my heart to the limit.   But, I would not have it any other way.  There is something heart warming about watching crops grow and be harvested, seeing the cattle graze the grass around your house, and to share this life and legacy with our kids.  Seeing our girls’ smiling face as they climb into machinery with their dad, ride in the feed truck, or simply just run free in a wheat field…now that is a glorious.

Listen to your heart

Jake asked me a few days ago if I was only going to blog about the girls.  I responded quickly saying, “Well, I feel like my life didn’t have much meaning before them!”  I spoke too quickly and realized that of course my life had meaning before they arrived…just a different meaning.  It sent me back in time…almost 9 years ago when Jake and I met. As a freshman in college, I was wild, carefree, and looking for love in all the wrong places!  When this smart aleck, great looking guy Jake walked in to my life I had no idea where he would be taking me in this crazy journey called life. Thank goodness he hung on to me, because I could not imagine ever finding anyone I love more than him.  His genuine personality, kind heart, sarcasm, and incredible looks make him stand apart from all other men, in my opinion. J

Jake is a man a few words, and the hardest worker you will ever meet.  I taught 1^st grade in Ellis for two years, and in the evenings, breaks, and summers I would help him.  We planted cover crops, fall crops, spring crops, harvested more crops, raked/baled, and hauled in bales together.  This could quite possibly drive some couples crazy being together so much.  I relished every minute. I loved helping, and even more so loved our long conversations in the tractor, combine, or semi together.  It was here that we talked of our future, dreamed of our future children, and planned our vacations.  It was here that we laughed until we cried.  It was here that Jake would guide me through some of our most troubled days, and would hug me through my tears.  It was also here that made some of the most important decisions of our life.

I know that most men yearn for that “biological” child.  This was not the case for Jake.  Of course, he would love a boy some day, don’t all men want a son?  When I first brought up the topic of adoption with Jake, his response was simply, “How do we start?”  It was never a question of whether it was right for us because our hearts are so deeply entwined that we truly feel the same love and passion for all things that are dear to us!

Jake always tells me that I am too impulsive and never let go of what I am passionate about.  I will tell you, that once we started our adoption process, we never looked back.  We were driven, driven with our need to have our child.  One of the best compliments that Jake has ever given me was over a year ago, before Bella was born.  We were discussing when the time would be “right” to get our names back out there and to begin searching for our new baby.  I remember telling Jake that I have been ready, but I’m waiting for you to be ready!  I’m trying to be patient because you have always said I am too impulsive and too quick with decision making.  He replied, “Well, I’m ready now, because you are the one that pushed so hard and fast with our first adoption process, and you brought us to Liberty…you did a damn good job.”  I remember tearing up and my heart beating so hard and fast with love for this man that I’m so blessed to call my husband.

Listen to your heart, those of you that are questioning, wondering, and wishing.  Your heart is also your conscience…and your conscience is God’s way of speaking to you.  Follow that voice and go in the direction it leads.  We did, and have never looked back. 

“If it’s both terrifying and amazing…then you definitely should pursue it..."

I hope...

Jake and I have many times talked about how others may view our multi-colored family.  Of course, in my husband's words, Liberty resembles him, and I must have had an affair which is how Bella was born!  This makes me laugh to think about.  As the girls and I get out and about (which is not often, those of you with toddlers understand that everything runs on THEIR schedule) we are often stopped and the girls are showered with compliments from strangers.  Liberty has started to blush when they do this, and Bella, the wild child that she is, yells out something or gives them her mean face which shows all 5 of her teeth.  

Even more wild are the numbers of people that stop me and say that Bella must look just like her dad...as her and I look as different as night and day.  Except to those who see Bella and I first thing in the morning-our hair is quite wild and similar! 

A couple of weeks ago in Wal-Mart the cashier lady was very probing with her questions, so much so that it made me uncomfortable.  She said, "her daddy must be black, isn't he, because you don't get hair like that from a white daddy".  Those were her words exactly.  It stunned me because I wasn't quite sure how to answer.  Finally I stuttered out, "well, her birth-dad was African American, but her dad is not".  When I get nervous I start to talk, and talk, and talk some more.  Jake has told me many times, to just be quiet, silence is not a bad thing.  Well, silence terrifies me.  

Questions and assumptions such as the above really cut to my heart.  As much as I try to bury them inside...I just can't all the time. I truly hope that the people around can see the way our family was built in love. 

I hope that you all see, how the love for our children radiates off of our faces. 

I hope that you know that color means nothing.  It is love that builds a family.  Just because our children are not mirror images of our looks, doesn't mean that they aren't mirror images of our personalities.  Liberty follows her dad so closely that she trips when he is near, whether it's in the garage, or in the shop, or in his lap in the feed truck and tractors.  Her eyes are constantly following him, his hands, and what he is doing.  Bella wants nothing more than to be near me, to copy my actions (especially jumping!) and to kiss our lips.  

I hope that you know that being a "mother" does not always mean that you physically gave birth to a child.

I sincerely hope that you do not feel SORRY for us.  Many have said, I'm so sorry you couldn't have your own children.  Please do not feel sorry.  God intended for us to do this, for us not to have our own biological children.  He intended for us to work through his hands, and adopt our beautiful girls. We do not question what is, we thank him, for showing us the way.  

Will we adopt more?  We're just waiting on God to show us the way.

connections of love

When Liberty turned one, all I (and sometimes Jake, ha!) wanted, was a sibling for her.  She was such a pure joy to our life, the center of attention, and made our faces radiate happiness.  We knew what true love was with each other, now we knew what it was with our daughter.  My mom always told me that the best gift you can ever give a child is a sibling.  We took this to heart, and before Liberty had even turned one I was working on updating our home study.  Those of you that know me well, know that if I want something done, I will do it fast, and I will research every angle of it at the same time.  We had a hard time knowing which route to take.  Every route can be financially scary--but we pushed those worries aside, knowing that our growing family would be worth every penny.  After the first of the year, we decided that we were ready.  By mid-late January our profile was live.  

As I have written before, we were matched with Bella's birth mom just days before she was born.  We were able to spend the evening before Bella's c-section visiting with her birth mom, learning more about her, her background, her hobbies, and just visiting about whatever came to mind.  I can't explain to you that sense of "connection" we felt with her.  This beautiful woman was strong enough to choose adoption, selfless enough to do what was best for our precious girl.  We cried with her, knowing that this decision was the happiest moment of our lives, yet knowing it was breaking her heart. The moment came when I asked her if she had any names that she loved and that we'd love for her to be part of naming our little girl.  My heart (and I think Jake's too) began to race when she said that she'd always loved the name Bella.  How could she have known, that Isabella was at the top of our list for naming her? I teared up, telling her how much we'd love for her to be named Isabella, and Bella for short.  I could go on and on, but the next day we were there for her c-section.  I was able to be in the operating room and held her hand and cried with her as our baby girl was born.  We heard her first cries together, and the 3 of us were linked together for life.  These moments are truly surreal.  Bella was beautiful, an absolute miracle.  When I was able to go back and talk to Jake just minutes later I was shaking as I told him how much she weighed, what she looked like, and how beautiful she was.  These moments are ones that we will never forget.

The connection between mothers in this moment was profound.  I cried as we spent those days in the hospital. I cried because I was so happy that God had picked up to parent another beautiful little girl.  I also cried because I knew our happiness, was also one of the saddest days in our birth mother's life.  The magnitude of her tragedy would never be lost in our thoughts.  To this day, not a day goes by that I don't think of her.  I love her as the "other" mother of my little girl.  As Jody Landers said, "A child born to another woman calls me Mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege is not lost on me".  

It is so hard for me to put in to words what I am trying to say.  As I have told God in those quiet moments when most of the world is sleeping..."Thank you. Thank you for believing in us, thank you for knowing that we could do this.  Thank you for choosing us in this incredible journey, and please know that we do not take this journey lightly.  Every decision is made with utmost care, and our hearts have been filled to the brim because of your goodness!"

 I know that not everyone can understand the connection between birth and adoptive parents.  I also know that not every situation is easy and not ONE is alike.  But what I will say is that Jake and I pray for our girls' birth parents every day.  There have been moments of terror, moments of sadness, and so many moments of gratitude.  We truly feel that being a family means that you are a part of something very wonderful, it means that you are loved, and will be love and be loved for the rest of your life, no matter what.  

Rain from heaven

Rain from heaven is a beautiful song sung by Eric Paslay.  I hardly ever get to listen to the radio anymore with two little girls who think they need Barney on in the vehicle at all times.  :) When I heard this song for the first time, I felt a full sense of peace just wash over me.  It took me back, back to about 3 years ago.  

I was driving the pickup back from Grinnell in the middle of harvest, in the middle of a huge thunderstorm.  I was a little terrified, as people were pulling over under the over passes because the rain was so hard and fast, eliminating all driving vision.  It took me at least 30 minutes longer to get home, but when I made it home, I stepped out of the pickup and walked to the house.  I smelt the rain, and looked at the huge thunderheads in the sky, and felt that sense of peace.  Little did I know...two months later we'd be meeting Liberty's birth parents.  God has that way of sending these little moments to show us that he is working his magic, whether we can see it or not.  

I wanted to write this blog to be completely REAL with everyone. Not that my other ones weren't, but I know that I focused on all the good and wonderful things that we have witnessed in our life, and in our marriage.  

I want to be able to reach those who are searching.  Searching for a will, a way, and a family.  I want to be their confidante, share their feelings, and empathize with their hearts.  We know how it feels.  We know what it is like when you can not control every aspect of your life.  We were taken in by a beautiful family, one that has 4 beautiful children.  They opened up, shared their story with us, and encouraged us along our journey.  They will never know how much we love, respect,and look up to them.  

Adoption is a beautiful thing.  It is a way for the childless couples to find their everlasting families, and to build relationships that will last a lifetime.  It is also the most terrifying, out of our control, and heartbreaking thing that you will ever be a part of.  It is not for everyone.  It almost angers me when people say to others, well if you can't have your own, you can just adopt.  Adoption is a huge undertaking, and we hold the lives of these precious children in our hands.  It takes praying, paperwork, and so many leaps of faith.  I can't even put into words the feelings that we have felt.  We cried so many tears. Tears to God for him to watch out for us, to see how much we wanted these precious unborn girls, to see how much we needed them, and promises that we would love them beyond our heart's limits.  

There were so many nights where we'd lie awake, terrified for the future.  Wanting so badly to believe that everything was going to work out perfectly, but also not wanting to get our hopes up, just to get them dashed.  My heart would pound so fast and hard, that I felt I was having a heart attack.

Do you know what it's like, to hold your baby girls in your hands, just minutes after their birth and to have that sense of fear in your heart...that this could be torn away as quickly as it was handed to you?Do you know what it's like, to wait 72 hours, then 96 more hours and signatures could be revoked...and babies returned, no questions asked?  There are no words.  We can only say that we lost weight, we lost hair, and our strength, wow our strength felt uncrushable after we made it through.  Let me tell you what it is like...to bring your baby girls home after enduring the wait...hearts so full they could burst, tears of happiness, choked up sobbing cries to our parents, and oh the hugs and kisses we covered our girls with.  Now this, is rain from heaven, washing over all of us.  Covering us with all of God's tears, tears for the families that he hand picked out for us from above.  

How do you talk to an angel?

Many of you may know this very popular song by The Heights.  The song is over 25 years old, but is a true song full of meaning for Jake and I.  It's a song about finding your true love, and holding them close.  We chose this song for our first dance as a married couple and it still brings back so much emotion when we hear it!  

It not only holds emotion for our love story, but for the love story of how we came to find our next true loves, our two daughters.  I truly believe in fate, and I know Jake wasn't a believer until these two "unexplain-able" miracles took place in bringing our two girls home.  Jake's grandpa passed away in the end of August, unexpectedly after complications of heart surgery.  He was a gentle man, who truly loved and cared for each of his grandchildren.  The tears on all the grandchildren and his children's faces at the funeral and cemetery were enough to break any one's heart. He was taken too soon.  I can't remember exact dates, but I do know that these were some hard days.  We were struggling...patiently waiting for a match, had quit fertility drugs, and I was having a hard time finding my "place". I had quit my job at the end of the school year to wait for what the future brought, needless to say, I was just lost.  Somehow, amidst the despair and these unsettled days...we received a call.  THE call.  The one to tell us that we had been chosen.  Chosen to be a little baby girl's mom and dad..and she was due to make her appearance in 2 WEEKS.  Liberty didn't wait that long, and there was lots of excitement before she was born; she was born 10 short days later.  9 days after that, we were on the road home.  Our hearts and emotions were run ragged by the events of those 19 days...but our arms were filled, and our dreams had come true!  

Job 1:21 states that "the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away".  We believe in our hearts, that Jake's Grandpa had a hand in Liberty's birth.  We know that he aided in the match,  we know that his warm hands were on our shoulders,and wrapping us in to hugs when our emotions threatened to boil over.  He was there.  If we could talk to him, our angel, there would be no words to express our gratitude.  

Fast forward about 17 months...Liberty, Jake, and I were ready for our family to grow.  While we were waiting for a match, my grandpa passed away.  He had had several months of recovery after breaking a hip in the fall, and had safely been home for a few months with his loving wife, my grandma Betty.  Another example of a great man, gone too soon.  No matter how old a person is, the grief is no different.  All of grandpa's kids, grandkids, great grandkids, extended relatives, and most of all Grandma, know what a kind heart grandpa has, and how much he worried about all of his family.  His rosary and funeral was a bath of tears.  He touched each of our lives. 

Jake and I said that we would know it was fate, if our next child was born or we were matched in the weeks after Grandpa's passing.  We prayed fervently, that it would happen.  It makes my heart pound to say that it did!  Not even two weeks later...we were matched, and a few days later, our precious Bella was born.  I can just see his smiling face in heaven, watching us as our family grew and was made whole.  I know that he would be sitting in his recliner, smiling down on us and sending his blessings.  Not talking too much, but just soaking in the happiness of his family.  God took away a great man, but he most definitely gave us another angel to watch over us.  Grandpa had a way of worrying about things until something was done about it.  In this case, he was in heaven and had a true hand in our match and bringing home Bella.

How do you talk to an angel?  How do you hold them close, and tell them how much you have prayed to them? How do you thank them, for bringing immeasurable joy? How do you tell them, that they are missed beyond words?  

We can truly say that because someone we love is in heaven, there is a little of heaven in our home.