“I breathe in my courage and out my fear”.

One thing no one told us about adoption was the fear that we would encounter. 

We learn fear at a very young age.  Fear of being away from our mother, fear of the dark, fear of snakes, etc.  As we age, our personalities take root and our fears change.  As I grew up, I was always afraid of separation.  I was terrified of being away from my mom.  Who knew what could happen in the hours we were apart?  I loved the fact that we were always in the same school until I reached 6^th grade.  I always knew exactly where my mom was and kept track of her closely.  

All the same, I was afraid of anything less than perfect.  In 5^th grade I threw up after getting a B on a science test.  I would make myself sick studying and obsessing over obtaining perfection.  Thankfully, I hit those magically middle school years and I stopped trying so hard to reach perfection with grades and instead turned to boys.  Now it was all about sports and looks.  How did our parents ever survive these years?  The years slipped by and my fears seemed to subside.   As high school passed into college, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find a man to spend forever with.  That fear quickly was engulfed as I met Jake.  Fear turned into bliss as we married and settled into life together.  How happy we were and how blessed we were!

New fears arose.  What if we weren’t able to get pregnant?   What if the fertility treatments didn’t work?  What if, what if, what if?  We learned to turn our fears into prayers and our prayers into actions.  We began to search (or I began to search, and reported daily all my findings to Jake).  You can’t just hand your lives over to the wrong agency, social worker, or attorney.  That is the one thing that I still have a hard time explaining.  The people who control how/when our family would grow hold our lives in the palm of their hands.  Our attorneys, our social worker, the birth parents, all controlled every aspect.  It was new to me.  I was not able to control this like I was the paper work, our portfolio, and our decisions of what outlet to use to grow our family.

I never knew fear like this existed.  A fear that caused heat to flood from my feet up to my heart to my eyes and face…fear that would stop me in my tracks.  Fear that caused my heart to pound so loudly that I swore someone standing next to me would be able to hear it.  Fear that made my stomach roll, and bodily fluids run rampant.  Fear that paralyzed my body and my eyes to leak without even realizing it. 

Adoption is not something we think lightly of.  It isn’t a second choice or a second option because we weren’t able to get pregnant.  Our family was destined to grow, just not in the exact way that nature explains.  Everything we have ever wanted is on the other side of fear.  In order to gain what we so desire, we have to wade through our fears. 

Fear cripples me even today when I think of our future.  We so badly want our family to grow even more in the future, but those fears crawl up my legs and into my heart.  I’m constantly praying to push those fears away and let God take over. 

Nothing worth having comes easily.  I pray that you, my friends, don’t let fear cripple you.  We have two little girls that wouldn't be here if we would have let our fear cloud our vision.  

“I breathe in my courage and out my fear”.

“Coincidence is God’s way of being anonymous.”

“Coincidence is God’s way of being anonymous.”

A beautiful woman in my life once told me that if my conscience is telling me to do something, then it is God’s way of saying to “go ahead, try it!”  I will never forget the first time I saw this spunky, brown skinned, smiley faced girl in church in Ellis.  Journey’s name says it all…she is the reason that my heart was filled with a yearning to have children, and later on our trek, to adoption.  Journey was not my easiest student, by far.  But she had this spirit and this fire, a fire that I loved…and a heart of gold. 

 Jake and I had come to the back to school mass and BBQ…and also “meet the teacher” night.  It was my first time to meet all my new students and parents, and I was as nervous as all get out.  To make a long story short, I met some of the kindest parents (including the woman I spoke about above and will tell you about below) and their equally big-hearted children, learned life lessons, and set out on my path to truly wanting to make a difference.  I will always be grateful for those times and faces.  They shaped me just as much and more than my childhood memories. 

I want to inspire people, I want people to look at me and say, “because of you, I didn’t give up”. 

There was someone who did that for me.  Mindy (Journey’s mom) will never know just how dear to my heart she is.  She invited me into their home and into their life without any hesitation.  Coming to their house, I was one of them…she told the tales of how her children came into their life through both adoption and biological means and I’ll never forget how much emotion it brought out when she told me their “story”.  We laughed, cried, we grew.  There are few people who have a heart like Mindy. 

When we found out about Liberty, Mindy was one of the first people that came to my mind.  She would understand all of my joy, trepidation, excitement, and terror all in one.  Her words of how none of our children are truly “ours,” they are gifted to us from our heavenly father to teach, cherish, and love here on Earth, brought me such peace.

Today, it brought tears to my eyes to see my girls happily playing along with Mindy’s kids.  Journey is all grown up now and going into 6th grade...from what I hear, she still has the heart of a lion, but the patience she showed with Liberty...warmed my heart. The circle of life is so precious.  How and when our children are given to us makes no difference.  Cherish your gifts…and hold them close. 

“Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there”.  ---Spurgeon

Sisters

“A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.” –Marion Garretty

‘Lyssa and Em, Em and Lyssa…that’s the way it’s always been…you never heard one of our names without the other as we grew up.  We are 18 short months apart, and shared everything.  (even boyfriends as we got older!  Just kidding…I was only allowed to step in after the break ups were clean and done. J ) I do not have a childhood memory that isn’t shared with Alyssa.  Our days were spent together, summers filled with our job of babysitting our ten kittens, winter evenings spent painting toenails, reading books, and writing in our furry diaries.  Although I always had to read the books first; Alyssa didn’t want to waste time on one if it wasn’t going to be a delightful read.  Oh, the memories!  Alyssa and I laughed the other day remembering how baking hot our house to used to be in the summers without central air.  Luckily, the only window unit in the house was in our room.  Let’s just say our room was still hotter than sin, and we never wore anything but our underwear to bed.  How embarrassing is that?  The only person you could share such a memory with would have to be your sister.

Alyssa was such a ‘fraidy cat growing up.  There would barely be a rumble of thunder and she’d be begging me to come inside…terrified that she or I would be hit by lightning or God knows what else.  She worried about every little thing.  I had a small heat stroke one summer and she had to lead me to the house because I lost my vision.  All I remember is Alyssa bawling to my mom, “What if she never sees again?”  There may not have been any one who cared about me more as a child than Alyssa. 

We shared friends, we shared enemies, and as we got older, we shared the volleyball court.  One of the toughest things we ever shared had to be sports.  Our coach constantly was on us to “LISTEN TO EACH OTHER”.  We grew apart, sadly enough.  No longer did we share our worries, triumphs, and dreams.  The only thing Alyssa shared about me was to tattle tale to my parents about my sneaking out to the prom party when I was 15.  (And I was grounded for a very long time…not sure I have forgiven her yet.)

College came for Alyssa and I missed her more than I dreamed possible!  I waited for her phone calls in the evenings and loved going to visit her and share in her freshman memories at FHSU.  The void between us slowly melted away for the time being.  I joined her at FHSU two years later and we both found the loves of our life. 

Alyssa was the one who told Jake to stick by me when I couldn’t seem to settle down and quit the partying.  She was the one who told him I was worth waiting for.  I’m not sure I’ve ever thanked her…but I will never be more grateful to her than I am now.

Our weddings were two and a half short months apart and we were each other’s maid of honor.  We both shared tears during our speeches and laughed through all the awkward moments of a wedding.   

A couple years later, Alyssa and Ken had their little boy Hayden, the absolute light to all of our lives.  As much as Jake and I swallowed our tears, we still hurt.  We wanted what they had.  Alyssa could not understand our yearning.  All she would say was, “Why can’t you just be happy?  Why can’t you be happy with what you have?”  I truly was…but we just wanted more.  We wanted our family to grow and our hearts to spill over with a child of our own.  Here’s where God walked in to our lives with our very own miracle…almost exactly two months after Hayden was born, God gave us our Liberty. 

We talked numerous times a day sharing our baby’s milestones, asking whether this was normal, sleep training, solid foods, motor skills, all of it!  Who ever dreamed that we would have our babies so close together, born in entirely different circumstances and states.  Life with our kids was better than we imagined.  We laughed, we smiled, we thrived in getting to take our babies in public and show them off. 

Time passed, and we found out Alyssa would be having a girl this time! I was over the moon excited for her.  I had every piece of clothing possible to share with her.  Again, as excited as we were for them, there still was a little bit of yearning in our hearts.  Once again Alyssa could not understand why we needed even MORE! God had blessed us with Liberty…why did we need more?  (Easy said when babies happened quite quickly for her.)  She was quick to tell me that we would not be so lucky twice…and not to get my hopes up. 

Alyssa can have a hardened heart, but I think underneath it all she was just trying to prepare me.  She didn’t want me to suffer and have my hopes dashed.  Alyssa was due in June.  From January on, we were patiently waiting for our birth mother to find us.  I knew about Bella’s birth mother by this point, but I never guessed that she would choose us to raise her baby girl.   She did.  Praise the Lord, she did! 

Bella was born two and a half months before Harper.  How lucky are we to have both of our children so close in age?  I truly believe that the best gift you can give your children is a sibling. 

Alyssa and I have spent 27.5 years together.  She’s my best friend.  She also can break my heart like no one else can.  We know it is true in the fact that we treat those we love the harshest.  Thank God our family will never leave us. 

When I see Liberty and Bella playing together, wrestling, dancing, tickling and laughing…it takes my heart back to the days of Alyssa and I.  I wish my daughters nothing short of what we had.  It was true bliss in our childhood to have each other, and it is a true consolation to know that she is always there for me now.  (opinions and all!)

It breaks my heart to see Liberty cry when she has to leave Bella for only an hour and a half for dance class.  How strong must their bond be if it tears at her heart to leave for such a short amount of time.  I know that there are many things that I have not done right in my lifetime…but there is one thing I know, without a doubt, that I nailed.  All those emails, paperwork, phone calls, sleepless nights, and tear stained pillowcases…brought our girls home.   Thank God Jake didn’t leave me during those crazed months. J

“Give me the wisdom to know what must be done, and the courage to do it”.  

Does it ever go away?

Does it ever go away?

When I’m thinking of what I’d like to blog about, it usually just comes to me…pops into my mind like it was meant to be.  This time, I’m a little concerned to share the nitty-gritty thoughts and details, but I also know how healing words can be.  Sometimes sharing our story lifts the weight off my shoulders and allows me to rise above the pain and the hurt…and keep on our journey of growing, healing, loving, and just being.  I truly hope this reaches all of you that are hurting and encourages you and gives you hope.

Does it ever go away?  The yearning to carry a child within my own body, to experience pregnancy, to feel my body grow, to give life to a precious baby? 

It certainly hides its face…especially during our life changing moments of adoption.  While we were not able to create our own miracle, we were able to grow one in our hearts.  We dreamed and still dream of our children every day.  Jake and I talk of the names we love, how our children will be as they grow, and how we will help them to flourish in life!  We were able to be there for both of their births, to cut the umbilical cord, to place our baby girls on our chests within minutes of their deliveries, and to share tears as we witnessed their coming into this world.  I was able to laugh and smile when people told me just how great I looked for just giving birth. J

The point that I am trying to share, is that we have been immeasurably blessed…not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for trusting us, for choosing us to be Liberty and Bella’s mom and dad.  We have been blessed beyond measure, but yes, we still hurt.  We still hurt that it has to be so difficult to grow our family...it hurts that some believe our journey to be so easy.  We wanted to adopt, so we did, and look how quickly and easily it happened!  It may have happened quickly, but there was no part of it that was easy.  There is nothing simple about someone giving you their baby to raise and be your own.  There is nothing simple when a life is in hands that are completely out of control.  There is nothing simple about the hours that must pass before signatures are given and finality is reached.  There is nothing simple about the terror in the days and months that go by before the court can put its seal of finality on our adoption records.  We hurt, yes, but thank God we have hurt… for our hurt put us on the path to adoption, to meeting many people that are now our close friends, and most of all, uniting us with our baby girls. 

Will our luck run out?  That’s what is racing through our hearts and minds.  All we can do is pray, and put our future in God’s hands.  Does it ever go away?  No, I don’t believe it does.  But with the grace of God, I’m putting it away. I’m not going to allow it to enter my thoughts and invade my heart. 

My challenge for you is to face what it is that is invading your heart.  Face it, and then erase it.  Put it in God’s hands…fall to your knees …and rise above it. 

My favorite song will always be “On Eagle’s Wings”.

…And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand.

Let them fly.

One of the moments I look forward to each day is my head finally meeting my pillow at the days end.  Not just because I am utterly exhausted, but it is a time to reflect upon the day.  Where did I go wrong?  What did we do that was absolutely a delight?  Who should I have been more kind to?  Why didn’t I stop to give that homeless person $5?  What can I do to raise our girls to be confident, kind, and genuine spirits?  This is the worry that plagues me the most.

       It breaks my heart thinking of my girls failing at anything.  It sounds terrible for me to say this, and it’s ridiculous to think that I can shield them from all of life’s disappointments.  When I think back to my own childhood, it was the most difficult and trying times that I learned the biggest lessons of all.  My heart gets in a panic just thinking about their upcoming sports, school, and sleepovers.  How will they be okay when I’m not there to care for them?  Instead of getting myself all tied in knots worrying, I’ve been trying to compile a list of thoughts/ideas/ways to help our daughters grow to be independent, kind, and polite individuals. 

       Some of them are simple.  My ideas are listed below and I hope that you come away from this blog taking comfort that you are not alone.  Us parents have to stick together.  We’re all in this together.  Instead of competing, lets encourage, share, and spread kindness amongst ourselves and our children.

1.     Practice what you preach.  Simply put, our kids replicate our actions, so choose them wisely. Use polite manners (please, thank you, your welcome, so on). 

2.    More is not necessarily the best.  (for us, anyway)  More extra-curricular activities, more play dates, more trips to the library, more vacations, etc…that doesn’t equal up to mean that you win parent of the year award.  Of course it is nice to get out of the house and socialize, but some of the best learning experiences and memories are made in the back yard.  Use these experiences to your advantage.  Instead of reading a magazine, dig with them to make mud pies, show them how to plant/care for flowers, search for frogs and insects, and share in their simple delight.

3.   Show them how to be kind.  Teach them to share, the best that you can.  Toddlers obviously don’t catch on to this easily.  Don’t let them always get their way.  At Wal-Mart, teach them to say “hello” to the cashier, “good-bye,” and “thank you”.  Such simple actions can go a long way in life.  Kindness will pave the way for their future.  We should all learn from the simple ways of a child.  Today in Wal-Mart we were probably stopped 10 times.  Why?  Because Bella was giving each person who passed her by her most beautiful squinty-eyed smile. J Is it so hard for us to share smiles with strangers?

4.   The hardest thing for me is to teach them that they will not succeed in everything they do.  They can try their hardest at everything, but they will not always win! 

5.   On special occasions, create small gifts for them to give to their family members and neighbors.  Giving to others brings the greatest joy to little kids, and to the receivers as well.

6.   Encourage their strengths!  Don’t push an activity that they don’t love.  Watch their emotions…and follow what brings them happiness.

7.   Raise them to be children of God.  Most importantly, teach them to pray.  Teach them that they are beautifully and perfectly made.  Teach them that they are always loved and wanted.  Tell them just how special and important they are.  Give hugs often!  Teach them to treat others as they would want to be treated, and follow that almighty golden rule. 

This is just the start to my list.  Please know that these are just my personal ideas and thoughts, and by no means are the best suited for everyone. I’d love to hear your ideas…’cause I most definitely have lots of room to grow and improve. 

Here’s one of my favorite quotes for my kids.

“Learning is their journey.                 

Let them navigate.

Push them to explore.

Watch them discover.

Encourage their questions.

Allow them to struggle.

Support their thinking.

Let them fly.”

"Like a Child Rests"

(shared by a close friend of mine, Sara Walraven)

This hymn has always been one of my favorite songs to sing during Mass. Now it means so much more to our family.

October 16^th, 2014 we discovered our family was going to grow! John was working in the garage when I went to tell him I got a positive pregnancy test. We were both in disbelief because for so many months, this had not been the result. John’s exact words were “Shut up,” followed up by a long hug and a kiss after he read the test for himself. J We were elated and immediately prayed for guidance. I had been experiencing some spotting, but when I was in the doctor’s office and asked them about this, they responded that it was “normal.” God blessed me with a mother’s intuition VERY early on and I questioned that, but having never been pregnant before I left the doctor’s office. The next two weeks were the greatest time in our lives. Our prayers had been answered. Our dogs even knew things were changing. They’re quite the jealous type, but they were so loving and protective over me. What a gift our child was to our family.

Those same two weeks that were so great, weren’t without concern. I had no pain, but every day I had spotting. We use the Creighton Model of Natural Family Planning, and when you see red stickers each day, it’s not “normal.” I made a few calls and became an advocate for our family. It wasn’t without question that we were going to do whatever we could do. An on-call NFP doctor called us back at 9 PM that night to make sure we did everything we needed.  An increase in progesterone supplementation began that night. The prayers continued.

A few of my co-workers knew of our news because when you work so closely, it’s pretty difficult to go to the first few early doctors appointments without sharing the excitement. One conversation in particular will always mean so much to me. It was the calm before the storm. The afternoon of October 28^th, I got to sit with a co-worker and speak of our family, our faith, and our journey. She got to share in hers, speak of her own family, and we bonded over motherhood. This moment brought so much peace in my heart. I stood up to leave, and felt very light-headed. Since our conversation was extended, I hadn’t bothered to stop and eat lunch so I figured it was time to eat. I felt fine the rest of the afternoon, but my spotting had increased. Once again, I had to be an advocate for our family. The doctor said to put my feet up and come in the next day for an ultrasound. John and I decided we couldn’t sit around all evening and wait for the clock to change. We headed to the ER. Still peaceful, yet concerned, we prayed for protection and peace for our family.

“My God I trust in You, You care for me, You give me peace.”

The hospital we went to wouldn’t allow John, my own husband and father of our child, in the ultrasound room due to it being the emergency room. Our hearts were crushed. This whole journey we had been together and now they’re telling us we can’t be? Trying to find understanding, we prayed as they wheeled me out of the room. I continued to pray as the tech did two different ultrasounds. She apologized for the protocol and continued doing her job. She explained how she wouldn’t be able to tell us anything, and that when we were back together, the doctor would share what the ultrasounds found. That made me feel better, but I’ll also never forget the deafening question she had for me during the process. “You’re not in any pain?” My answer being no, but my mind questioned, “Am I suppose to be?” I was wheeled back to John. We waited. We prayed. We were together as a family. As we waited, the registration desk decided to wheel in their mobile computer to collect our insurance and co-payment of $200. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Did you not read why we were in the ER? Did you care? You’re going to get our money, but did you really need to come visit us when we’re waiting for answers? To this day, there are no words.

Shortly after, the doctor came in. John held my hand as he shared the news that our child was in my fallopian tube, and described to us an ectopic pregnancy. He was straightforward and gave us two options. 1) A drug to “dissolve the pregnancy.” 2) Surgery to “remove the pregnancy.” “Could we talk about it?” “You’ll have five minutes because I’ll need to call in the surgical team if you decide that option,” the doctor responded. He remained sitting there. He sat and waited. Those may have been the longest moments of our lives. He never even tried to leave and give us a moment together. We didn’t even know what to think or ask. Shock ran over us so all of these emotions came following the actual event, but I remember them vividly and almost an excruciating slow motion. “Dissolve” and “remove” aren’t really words you want to hear, but nevertheless, that’s what we were given. We decided to have the surgery.

At 1:30 AM, I was taken back into surgery. John was left in the waiting room. I prayed for him as I was wheeled back. Once again he was left to wait. As everyone was prepping the operating room, they were introducing themselves to me by name. I remember thinking, “If any of you pray, please pray for our family, especially our child. God protect these people who are entrusted to care for us.” I couldn’t talk, yet I was shouting that on the inside. The last thing I remember was hearing “Lydia.” That’s when I knew our child was a girl! That’s the name we had chosen for a girl, and I couldn’t wait to tell John that our precious child was the daughter he always would say would be “wrapped around his finger.”

I woke up in recovery, saw John and was able to mourn with him, while rejoice in the gift of our daughter’s life. Unfortunately, not even at this point, did the medical staff acknowledge what we had just experienced. Business as usual. Did I just get my tonsils removed? Prescriptions given for pain, and a recovery plan for three days. Dismissal papers signed. We were released.

The next few days and weeks were difficult. My hormones were all over the place, as were my emotions. I remember breaking down with a fear rushing over me that we had hurt our daughter. I sobbed uncontrollably. I would give my life for my child. I prayed each day that she was caused no pain, but we didn’t ask the right questions during the ER visit because we honestly didn’t know what to ask in the “five minutes” we were given.

It wasn’t until two weeks post-op, that we were given a bit of peace. We were following up at the doctor’s office, and that was the FIRST time we were told there was no heartbeat and Lydia didn’t suffer from the operation. I still will never understand why that wasn’t disclosed, but I pray to God that anyone put in the same situation will be able to ask those questions, and find out about their child. Had she had a heartbeat, it would have mattered to us. That perhaps is for another time. She had already passed away. Thanks Be to God.

The Blessed Mother and Christ were holding us close. They gifted me with a whisper. Lydia’s whisper. “Mom, it’s okay. I’m with Jesus now.” The numerous Hail Mary’s I prayed during everything was comfort and peace. She knew exactly what I felt. The love. The loss. Her example of suffering through her Son’s crucifixion and death has been strength in our suffering with Lydia.

Some days have been easier. Some days have been downright difficult. If we were to have carried her to term, June is when she would have been born. I may not have physically carried her for these last nine months, but it is without question that I’ve carried her every. single. day. That’s what parenthood entails and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. John and I pray for Lydia’s intercession every night before we sleep. We aren’t sure how our family will look in the future, but we pray for God’s will in our lives and for our complete surrender to Him.  

“Like A Child Rests in its Mother’s Arm, So will I Rest in You”

“Now and always, Trust in God.”

St. Lydia, pray for us.

"Stars can't shine without darkness".

We all have our days, our moments, and those times where we cringe at our actions.  Facebook and social media sites have morphed the public into being a somewhat "perfect" world.  In all reality, we all know that underneath it all, none our homes are perfect behind closed doors.  Of course, we love sharing our happiest and proudest moments, but what's wrong with sharing some of our not-so-proud ones?  

I was a nervous child, but not nearly as nervous as one of my sisters.  What plagued me was almost worse than anxiety, it was obsessive behaviors.   Hand washing a certain way, a certain length of time, and if something interrupted the procedure, the entire thing would have to start again.  Steps to different rooms had be timed in a certain number, flipping the light switch a certain number of times, and smoothing my pillow in a certain manner before going to sleep.  Counting was something that invaded my mind, night and day.  I remember wishing the numbers would just stop, and would just go away.  In my mind of an 11 and 12 year old...if I quit these tendencies, something terrible would be fall upon my family.  Somewhere, somehow, the obsessive tendencies were lifted.  My mom would always encourage me to pray to God, and to Mary, and they would take care of me no matter what, the counting would not matter to them.  (So, of course, I obsessed and had to say a certain number of Hail Mary's, Angel of God's, and Our Father's before bed. ;) ) I can laugh now...thankfully.

As I've grown older I've learned different coping mechanisms.  Most of all, I've learned how to deal with worry and stress.  Jake will be the first to tell you that many times, I fail at coping well.  It is  important for me to share that it is completely normal to struggle with such emotions!  We all feel the need to hide behind brick walls and not to open our hearts to those who love us.  My family would be the first to say that I'm one of those very people I'm talking about.  Find what helps you...and don't be afraid to share it with those around you.  

One of the very best ways I have learned to deal with stress is to pay it forward.  Simply put, instead of focusing on your own needs and worries, focus on someone else.  I've learned firsthand that it is hard for people to talk about illness, hardship, and failure.  Be that person that isn't afraid to step outside of the comfort zone and offer a friend or associate a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help them up from the despair that has knocked them to the ground.  You won't regret it, and in doing so, your soul will grow.

Those moments that hit us so hard we can not breathe...those are the moments in which we grow.  

"God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling."