Sunday is our Bella’s 2^nd birthday.  The past two years have been filled with so many emotions, so many firsts, and so many lasts. Bella wasn’t “planned” for, she was “prayed” for.  Just like with Liberty, we were chosen and by God, were we thankful, grateful, and oh so immersed with joy with their arrivals.

I knew about Bella for a few months before she was born. Not many know that.  I knew of her birth mom, of her birth family, and I felt that intense yearning whenever I thought of her.  My mom was the only one that truly knew how much I prayed for that little girl to come into our life.  All my mom and I knew was that there was a half white/half black little girl that was due in March.  All we knew; was that we had to leave it in God’s hands, even though all we wanted was to manipulate the situation into our favor.  I was so unsettled for months before Bella’s arrival.  I wanted for our family to grow, and to grow NOW, even though I had no idea how that was going to happen.  Liberty was still only 15 months old.  Oh, how I had no clue how much another baby added to the chaos of life.  The chaos of life...that I can lovingly call my own.  To this day, I believe that the miraculous event of Bella coming into our family was all due to my mom’s fervent prayers.

My anchor in life was, and always has been, my mom.  She is the one that I always picked up the phone to call with every last detail of life, whether it was happy or sad.   She is the one that consoled me through the years of infertility, through years of anxiety, through years of stress in school.  She’s the one I shared my biggest fears, my goals, and my dreams.  She’s the one who taught me how to be a mom.  She taught me to always be grateful, that life could always be so much worse.  She taught me that faith in God is the most important thing in life.  Without faith, what do we have?  Without God, where would we be?  She taught me to walk with grace, no matter what life throws our way. 

I find myself staring into space, not knowing where to turn.  My encourager, my believer, my inspiration, is no longer here.  I truly never imagined how much a broken heart could hurt, how grief would suffocate my soul, and how life would lose so much of its beauty.  Some nights the grief truly comes in like waves, and on the worst nights, I feel like I’m drowning.

I know that I can’t allow myself to drown. I know that I must push on and prevail for my family.  When I need comfort, I look high to the heavens and talk to mom.  The day that mom passed away, I was sitting on a bench outside, watching the girls play happily.  I felt such warmth over my body, in spite of the crisp January air. I felt peace. And not even a minute later, the phone rang, and I received the news that Mom had peacefully passed away. That warmth and peace…I know that was Mom.  I know that it was her telling me that she was okay.  She is happy, she is loved, and she is no longer hurting. 

My aunt told me that I should ask for mom to come to me in my dreams.  So I did.  And you know what? She came. And oh how it hurt to wake up the next morning and realize that she was only alive in my dream.  But it was so good, so good to see her.  She was alive, she was vibrant, she was healthy, and she was happy.  Jake told me last night that a lifetime can go so fast…and he was right.  I will see her again, and in that homecoming, the heavens will light up like never before.

 

This year Bella’s birthday party won’t hold near the cheer that it did last year.  But our family will continue to live, and to live in a way that would make mom smile.  We will hold her in our hearts, and we will raise our children to possess kind hearts the way that she did.  Bella will be dancing at her party for Mom again this year, just like she did last year.  Only this year, mom will be cheering her on from heaven.