A letter for Bella on her 2nd birthday...

Dear Bella,

Today you are two years old. Two!  Your dad and I can remember the day you were born so vividly. We got up before the crack of dawn to rush to the hospital to be there with your birth mom during her c-section.  We shared laughs and conversation with your birth mom as they prepped her for surgery.  She knew, without a doubt, that she was making the absolute best choice by making us your parents.  Only one of us was allowed in the operating room, so I had to deck out in all the gear.  I held your birthmom’s hand through the entire surgery, consoling her when she got scared, squeezing her hand back when she squeezed mine.  We both cried as we watched the doctors lift you up, claiming you a healthy baby girl.  In all honesty, I was so nervous. I wanted to be there and hold your birthmom’s hand and console her; but I wanted to hold you and watch you be weighed, measured, cleaned, and swaddled.  My heart was torn in that moment.  I was feeling the intense love for my daughter, and the heartbroken love and empathy for this mother that I would always share a lifelong connection with. 

Fast forward a few minutes later, and there we were in the room with your Dad and our social worker, Teresa.  I handed you to your dad and saw him wiping tears from his eyes.  He loved your wild hair.  Nothing else mattered in that moment but you, our sweet Bella.  We couldn’t wait for you to meet your big sister Liberty, who was still a baby herself at 17 months old.

Bella, never once doubt how much you were wished for, prayed for, and most of all, wanted.  We never doubted our decision to have our two girls so close in age, because what better gift can you give your children but siblings?  Many thought we were crazy to adopt again so soon.  I have to tell you, Bella, your Grandma Jane pushed and encouraged me to no end to pursue you.  She listened to me, hoping and praying, daily that Liberty would soon have a baby sister.  She consoled me when I worried that you two would be too close in age before you were born.  She told me time and time again, how happy were you with your own sister, Alyssa? You were only 18 months apart…and look at the relationship you have.  Best friends, for life.  I see you and Liberty today, Bella, and my heart swells with joy and love.  The two of you are mine and your dad’s entire life, and you fill our entire hearts.

Bella, your headstrong spirit scares me sometimes.  Your dad always says that it will get you SO far in life.  I am quite sure you get this from both your Dad and your Papa John.  You will find true success in life because of that spirit.  Your love for babies and your sweet heart are most definitely from your Grandma Jane.  It breaks my heart that you will not grow up knowing the mother that I was so blessed to have in my life for 28 years.  Your love for dancing and music must come from Grandma Alfreda…and since Sue was among many of your favorite first words, I think we know the joy your Grandma Sue brings you.  That curly hair of yours, Bella, didn’t you know it matches your Papa Melvin? His used to be just like yours. J Your blood may not match our blood, Bella, but your spirit, your personality, your heart, it most definitely matches and is a part of ours.

Bella, when you turn your nose up in the air and do exactly what I told you not to…oh how that irritates me…but more than that it makes me laugh.  The way you yell “Mo—mmy!” as loud as you can in the mornings when you wake up…I never want to forget it.  As annoying as it can be some early mornings, I know the day will come when you no longer want me to come get you and rock you when you wake up from a good night’s sleep. The way you care for your baby dolls by feeding, burping, changing diapers, and wrapping them in blankies…makes me know without a doubt that you will be an amazing mother someday.

Watching you and Liberty wrestle on the floor, kiss each other good night each night before bed, and insist on wearing matching clothes…that is what makes me happy. Arguing with you two about why you can’t share a bed at night time yet, that is what brings me joy on days that my heart is full of sorrow missing your Grandma Jane.  Laughing when you tell us to “shh! Baby is sleeping” (your doll)… that is what makes your dad and I know that we have done something right. We are your and Liberty’s mom and dad…and that is by far our favorite job.

Thank you, Bella, for bringing even more spirit, joy, love, and life into our family. You are you, and we love you so very much. Your zeal for life will take you up and across many mountains, and the stars will be your limits as you dream of your future.  Never forget how much you are loved, by so many.  Never forget that you have a sky full of guardian angels watching out for you and your sister, Liberty.  Make them proud.

We love you with all of our hearts,

Mom and Dad

Sunday is our Bella’s 2^nd birthday.  The past two years have been filled with so many emotions, so many firsts, and so many lasts. Bella wasn’t “planned” for, she was “prayed” for.  Just like with Liberty, we were chosen and by God, were we thankful, grateful, and oh so immersed with joy with their arrivals.

I knew about Bella for a few months before she was born. Not many know that.  I knew of her birth mom, of her birth family, and I felt that intense yearning whenever I thought of her.  My mom was the only one that truly knew how much I prayed for that little girl to come into our life.  All my mom and I knew was that there was a half white/half black little girl that was due in March.  All we knew; was that we had to leave it in God’s hands, even though all we wanted was to manipulate the situation into our favor.  I was so unsettled for months before Bella’s arrival.  I wanted for our family to grow, and to grow NOW, even though I had no idea how that was going to happen.  Liberty was still only 15 months old.  Oh, how I had no clue how much another baby added to the chaos of life.  The chaos of life...that I can lovingly call my own.  To this day, I believe that the miraculous event of Bella coming into our family was all due to my mom’s fervent prayers.

My anchor in life was, and always has been, my mom.  She is the one that I always picked up the phone to call with every last detail of life, whether it was happy or sad.   She is the one that consoled me through the years of infertility, through years of anxiety, through years of stress in school.  She’s the one I shared my biggest fears, my goals, and my dreams.  She’s the one who taught me how to be a mom.  She taught me to always be grateful, that life could always be so much worse.  She taught me that faith in God is the most important thing in life.  Without faith, what do we have?  Without God, where would we be?  She taught me to walk with grace, no matter what life throws our way. 

I find myself staring into space, not knowing where to turn.  My encourager, my believer, my inspiration, is no longer here.  I truly never imagined how much a broken heart could hurt, how grief would suffocate my soul, and how life would lose so much of its beauty.  Some nights the grief truly comes in like waves, and on the worst nights, I feel like I’m drowning.

I know that I can’t allow myself to drown. I know that I must push on and prevail for my family.  When I need comfort, I look high to the heavens and talk to mom.  The day that mom passed away, I was sitting on a bench outside, watching the girls play happily.  I felt such warmth over my body, in spite of the crisp January air. I felt peace. And not even a minute later, the phone rang, and I received the news that Mom had peacefully passed away. That warmth and peace…I know that was Mom.  I know that it was her telling me that she was okay.  She is happy, she is loved, and she is no longer hurting. 

My aunt told me that I should ask for mom to come to me in my dreams.  So I did.  And you know what? She came. And oh how it hurt to wake up the next morning and realize that she was only alive in my dream.  But it was so good, so good to see her.  She was alive, she was vibrant, she was healthy, and she was happy.  Jake told me last night that a lifetime can go so fast…and he was right.  I will see her again, and in that homecoming, the heavens will light up like never before.

 

This year Bella’s birthday party won’t hold near the cheer that it did last year.  But our family will continue to live, and to live in a way that would make mom smile.  We will hold her in our hearts, and we will raise our children to possess kind hearts the way that she did.  Bella will be dancing at her party for Mom again this year, just like she did last year.  Only this year, mom will be cheering her on from heaven.