When Bella was born, the tears began. Tears of happiness, tears of joy, tears of
anxiety, and tears of the unknown. Bella was not one of those laid back
newborns that slept all the time and happily enjoyed being cuddled all day
long. Bella ate voraciously, wanted to
eat every hour, and if you tried to stop her, all heck would break loose. It broke our hearts that she cried nonstop,
all day long, every day. The only thing
that calmed her was wearing her close to my heart. She was carried in my Ergo baby carrier for
the first 9 weeks of her life. All day
and almost all night long. She needed
movement, rocking, bouncing, and shushing.
That was when she was the calmest; the crying would cease and her calming
breaths of sleep would begin. The
exhaustion I felt during this time was like none I had ever dreamed of. I lost weight faster than you could
imagine. My face aged, my hair was no
longer as shiny, and my bones started to show more than I ever wanted them
to.
It brings me back to a time when I
was terrified. I worried nonstop. Why was she crying? Was she unhappy? What happened in utero? How did she spend the months before she was
born? I prayed to God that she was sang
to, talked to, and loved before she was placed in our arms. I prayed that he would talk to Bella’s heart,
and tell her how much we loved her. I
prayed that God would tell her that she was never going anywhere, she was with
us to stay, and that we loved her and would move mountains for her.
I remember emailing my mom during nap time almost every day. My mom was my rock during this very trying
time, and still knows my heart like she knows her own. I poured my heart out to her….telling her how
I felt like a failure. My baby was crying,
for reasons we did not know, and my little girl was missing out on her
childhood because I couldn’t get down and play with her, read with her, and
hold her as much as I thought she needed.
She always said that one day the crying would stop…and we’d forget this
hard time. She told me to talk to Bella
all day long, and to explain to Liberty why I couldn’t do everything with
her. So I did. I told Liberty that Bella was hurting, and we
were trying to figure out how to help her stop crying. We told Liberty how much we loved her and
what a great big sister she was to Bella.
It brings tears to my eyes as I think back. Liberty grew up a year in a matter of 8
weeks. It breaks my heart. I felt like a broken mother.
Through the weeks we took Bella to
the pediatrician, the chiropractor, and an ear, nose, and throat
specialist. She started medicines, new
formula, and had back adjustments three times a week. Jake, was the best dad that I have ever
seen. Every night, even if it was 10:30
or 11:00 at night after a long day of planting corn, he took Bella, wore the
carrier if he needed to, and just held her through the tears. He gave me those five minutes a night for me
to shower, and to find myself again.
After about 9 weeks…I can’t even explain the happiness that burst
from my heart. Because, our Bella….she
SMILED! She smiled, she smiled, she
smiled! I wanted to sing it from the
roof tops, and I remember calling Jake, telling him how I finally knew, that we
had done everything right. Bella was
okay. She loved us, she loved where she
was at, and we were all going to be okay.
My mom was right. This day, the
day Bella smiled, was the day she never stopped.
I wouldn’t trade a day.
Bella’s first two months were, without a doubt, the hardest time of my
life. I learned so much, and grew so
much, as a mother and as a wife. I
realized that I was not broken, and I would not break in times of turmoil. These were the times when I had to stand
tall, trust in God, and push on. Why
wouldn’t I trade a day? Because we gave
Liberty the best present we could have ever thought of. A sister, and a best friend for life. Why wouldn’t I trade it? Because Bella has brought laughter, smiles,
craziness, and dancing into our lives. Every
day with these two girls is a roller coaster ride…and we are so proud of the people
we have become, and so thankful for the immeasurable joy that God has given us.
“I carry your heart
with me, I carry it in my heart. I am
never without it. Anywhere I go, you go,
my dear.” - - - e.e.cummings
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