"Stars can't shine without darkness".

We all have our days, our moments, and those times where we cringe at our actions.  Facebook and social media sites have morphed the public into being a somewhat "perfect" world.  In all reality, we all know that underneath it all, none our homes are perfect behind closed doors.  Of course, we love sharing our happiest and proudest moments, but what's wrong with sharing some of our not-so-proud ones?  

I was a nervous child, but not nearly as nervous as one of my sisters.  What plagued me was almost worse than anxiety, it was obsessive behaviors.   Hand washing a certain way, a certain length of time, and if something interrupted the procedure, the entire thing would have to start again.  Steps to different rooms had be timed in a certain number, flipping the light switch a certain number of times, and smoothing my pillow in a certain manner before going to sleep.  Counting was something that invaded my mind, night and day.  I remember wishing the numbers would just stop, and would just go away.  In my mind of an 11 and 12 year old...if I quit these tendencies, something terrible would be fall upon my family.  Somewhere, somehow, the obsessive tendencies were lifted.  My mom would always encourage me to pray to God, and to Mary, and they would take care of me no matter what, the counting would not matter to them.  (So, of course, I obsessed and had to say a certain number of Hail Mary's, Angel of God's, and Our Father's before bed. ;) ) I can laugh now...thankfully.

As I've grown older I've learned different coping mechanisms.  Most of all, I've learned how to deal with worry and stress.  Jake will be the first to tell you that many times, I fail at coping well.  It is  important for me to share that it is completely normal to struggle with such emotions!  We all feel the need to hide behind brick walls and not to open our hearts to those who love us.  My family would be the first to say that I'm one of those very people I'm talking about.  Find what helps you...and don't be afraid to share it with those around you.  

One of the very best ways I have learned to deal with stress is to pay it forward.  Simply put, instead of focusing on your own needs and worries, focus on someone else.  I've learned firsthand that it is hard for people to talk about illness, hardship, and failure.  Be that person that isn't afraid to step outside of the comfort zone and offer a friend or associate a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help them up from the despair that has knocked them to the ground.  You won't regret it, and in doing so, your soul will grow.

Those moments that hit us so hard we can not breathe...those are the moments in which we grow.  

"God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling."

“Silence is golden…unless you have a toddler.  In that case, silence is very, very suspicious.”  I am certain that all the moms out there can relate with me here. (Except for my own mom, because my sisters and I were angels, weren’t we?)

I have told my mom many, many times…how in the heck did we get two of the wildest, orneriest, strongest, and cutest little girls in the world?  Jake and I thought that Liberty was a little fireball.  She could climb the most un-climb-able surfaces…at just a little over one, she was climbing our banister, getting on top of counters, climbing drawers, bookshelves, and getting on top of everything.  It was to the point where I could hardly cook on my cook top because she would get on top of the counter while I was cooking.  One night while I was cooking supper, it was wonderfully quiet.  Wouldn’t you know…Liberty had taken a brand new bottle of Worchestshire sauce into the living room.  How she managed to bite through the plastic label, and open the bottle, I’ll never know.  The smell began to flow into the kitchen, and I’m pretty sure my heart stopped.  I dashed over to Liberty and let out a little yelp as I saw she was covered in the dark liquid, as was my beautiful carpet!  All I could think of was how I was going to hide the evidence before Jake the Perfectionist got home!  Ha, ha.

Shortly after Bella was born…I searched high and low and found a very solid, expensive gate that would block off our kitchen from our living room.  It was glorious.  Jake and I laughed a little at Liberty’s excitement as he was assembling it.  After it was up, the screaming began.  Liberty would bang and pull as hard as she could to get on the other side.  The noise was a little much, but I welcomed my kitchen back.  Finally, I could have order again, and cook!

Liberty could open doors and unlock locks by the time she was 18 months old.  She could escape into the garage by doing so, and climb onto the counter and push the automatic garage door opener…and voila!  She was outside where she had dreamed of being.  The sickening thing is, just as Liberty has learned not to disobey, Bella has learned to do the same and open the back door. 

As I got ready one morning, Liberty was playing in my closet as Bella took a nap.  It had been a few minutes without any sound, so I went to check on her.  I peeked in the closet and it honestly looked like the entire closet had been covered in flour.  Little did I know, Jake left his foot powder in his bag, and Liberty had the time of her life blasting it everywhere!

We laughed when Bella was born, saying there was no way she could be any more ornery than Liberty.  We should have known…the fact that she started crawling at just 5.5 months should have been our clue.  She’s living up to her name quite quickly.  At Dillons, she will eat through at least half a block of cheese by the time we check out.  Why don’t I take it from her?  Because this little girl has the voice of a LION!  The entire town of Hays would know.  Why don’t I hide it?  Nothing can be hidden from Bella the Snoop.  It’s not even worth trying.  She does the same thing with hotdogs. 

It panics me a little even thinking about playdates. As much as we love being social, all I can think about is if we can keep the other person’s house in one piece in the hour that we are there.  Going to the library?  My heart stops.  Bella finds sheer joy out of knocking 100 DVDs and books off shelves while we are there.  At the same time, Liberty is sprinting to the elevator to escape to the bottom floor while I’m madly putting items away.  The park?  Oh dear God…watching two speedy devils in a PUBLIC place with NO fences and busy streets?  I’ll pass.  Please know that I'm laughing like a hyena as I'm typing this, and please don't worry...we still go to the library, the park, and to play dates...I just say a little prayer than my heart holds out. 

It makes me laugh out loud thinking of our girls’ antics.  When my arm threatens to give out as I have to carry Bella (who is 27 lbs) like a football to the car at the park, I dream of collapsing on the sofa after bedtime.  As I’m carrying her, Liberty is sitting in the trunk on her potty chair then high tails it to the front to “carry” my precious chocolate chip frappe into her car seat.

I thank God every day for these two girls.  They have fierce, loving spirits.  Their curiosity and zest for life will take them so far.  Their passion and aggressive behaviors will bring them success in athletics and academics.  Their beauty and their hearts, will win them their true loves in many years.  Jake and I may have our hands full, but our hearts are bursting.   Bursting with love and contentment for these two girls…our dreams come true. 

No time for why's

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.

I believe in love even when I cannot feel it.

I believe in God even when he is silent.

(Found written on a cellar wall in Cologne, Germany during WW II)

It is in our deepest struggles and times that we must trust in God above all else.  When we are lower than low, hiding in the shadows, and have lost all hope…this is when we need to let go, and let God.  I am not one to make a public scene out of mine and my family’s lives, but the past years have not been easy ones. 

My mom celebrates 39 years of teaching this year.  What an amazing accomplishment.  She loves teaching with her whole heart and soul.  Touching lives and hearts of children is what she lives for.  I remember sitting down for so many meals, laughing about the things her students said.  The summers were filled with phone calls from students that missed her, and envelopes in the mail, filled with artwork they created.  My sisters and I were all beyond blessed that she was our teacher for both 1^st and 2^nd grade.  School was my favorite thing, thanks to my mom teaching me to read by the age of 4. 

I struggle with so many whys.  Why does this illness have to take her away from her classroom?  Why does the cold hurt her skin so much that she must stay inside to be comfortable from the cold days?  Why does she have to continue to take chemo, year after year?  Why can’t God take it away the bad cells in her body and replace them with good?  Why does God allow for disappointing doctor appointments and deflated hearts?

My mom and dad are the two strongest people I know.  They have never lost their faith, ever.  They are true examples of the individual that I want to be, and I want my children to be.  They smile through their tears; and they love their daughters, grandchildren, son-in-laws, and families with all their hearts.  God is working through them, each and every day, to show us how to never lose faith. God will grant us an answer to our prayers…we must never cease.

I have to remind myself, almost every day, that there is no time for why’s.  God put us here to accomplish a purpose.  Find what your purpose is, and find how God wants to use you to better our society.  Use your talents, and most of all, trust in Him.  Don’t waste time wondering.  Take time to brighten the day of a stranger, a friend, or a neighbor.  We are all getting so caught up in our own worlds, and forgetting to see the beauty of God around us. 

And don't forget...to believe.

(a few pictures of what I find beautiful...family, home, beautiful landscaping, green grass after the rain...what do you find beautiful?)

“Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. Notice them”.

I had a dream last night that I passed away.  In my dream I had come back as Liberty and Bella’s angel.  God was letting me stay on earth with them as their guardian angel, to guide them through difficult times without their mother.  I woke up crying.  What if?  What if we don't cherish these moments in front of us?

God has a way of talking to us through our dreams, our conscience, and a lot of times through the beauty of nature.  A good friend of mine always told me that GOD is your conscience, so listen to it!  The last few days I have felt a little wound, anxious, and impatient.  These are some of the emotions that have to be dismissed around two toddlers!  Everything runs on their schedule, not ours.  Liberty always is sneaking out the front door without shoes, running to play in the dirt or to try to sneak over to Nana Loco’s. (That’s Alfreda)  I get so cranky sometimes…today I stopped to think about what must be going through her mind.  What a beautiful life children lead.  Their worries come and go so quickly, an ouchie is healed with a kiss, and crankiness is dismissed with a snack or drink. 

I need to be more like them.  I need to see the world through their eyes.  Sparkling grass after a rare rain must seem like diamonds in a magical forest…puddles on the slide are just itching to be jumped in, and the flowers have so much color and would be a beautiful bouquet fit for a princess.  I must not see their muddy feet and hands as a burden.  I need to clamp my mouth shut when they mutilate a new pot of freshly planted flowers, and I need to join in when they skid down the wet slide. 

Because, you see, this is the life.  This is the life that I have waited years to live.  This is what Jake and I yearned for, for three long years before God granted us our wish. The smiles on their faces when they discover something new, their high pitched laughs when they play with our dog, and their loud “moo’s” when we check the cattle….that is when God is smiling down on us.  I picture him in the clouds with his eyes twinkling, and thinking…now this, this is a beautiful life. 

I think God was telling me in my dream that today was a day not to worry, not to over think, not to be anxious, and to just be.

 

My wish for you is that you will soak up these moments with your loved ones.  Dig in the sand box with your kids, scream loudly on the 4-wheeler with them, sing and dance across the living room, and most of all…laugh with them.  My favorite sound is the laughing of our girls.  Jake had them both up on our bed this morning, tickling them.  Seeing their smiling faces and hiccupping laughter about brought me to tears.  These are the moments…these are the moments that we will remember for the rest of our lives.

“Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. Notice them”.  

Tears

When Bella was born, the tears began.  Tears of happiness, tears of joy, tears of anxiety, and tears of the unknown. Bella was not one of those laid back newborns that slept all the time and happily enjoyed being cuddled all day long.  Bella ate voraciously, wanted to eat every hour, and if you tried to stop her, all heck would break loose.  It broke our hearts that she cried nonstop, all day long, every day.  The only thing that calmed her was wearing her close to my heart.  She was carried in my Ergo baby carrier for the first 9 weeks of her life.  All day and almost all night long.  She needed movement, rocking, bouncing, and shushing.  That was when she was the calmest; the crying would cease and her calming breaths of sleep would begin.  The exhaustion I felt during this time was like none I had ever dreamed of.  I lost weight faster than you could imagine.  My face aged, my hair was no longer as shiny, and my bones started to show more than I ever wanted them to. 

            

                 It brings me back to a time when I was terrified.  I worried nonstop.   Why was she crying?  Was she unhappy?  What happened in utero?  How did she spend the months before she was born?  I prayed to God that she was sang to, talked to, and loved before she was placed in our arms.  I prayed that he would talk to Bella’s heart, and tell her how much we loved her.  I prayed that God would tell her that she was never going anywhere, she was with us to stay, and that we loved her and would move mountains for her. 

                I remember emailing my mom during nap time almost every day.  My mom was my rock during this very trying time, and still knows my heart like she knows her own.  I poured my heart out to her….telling her how I felt like a failure.  My baby was crying, for reasons we did not know, and my little girl was missing out on her childhood because I couldn’t get down and play with her, read with her, and hold her as much as I thought she needed.  She always said that one day the crying would stop…and we’d forget this hard time.  She told me to talk to Bella all day long, and to explain to Liberty why I couldn’t do everything with her.  So I did.  I told Liberty that Bella was hurting, and we were trying to figure out how to help her stop crying.  We told Liberty how much we loved her and what a great big sister she was to Bella.  It brings tears to my eyes as I think back.  Liberty grew up a year in a matter of 8 weeks.  It breaks my heart.   I felt like a broken mother. 

            

                 Through the weeks we took Bella to the pediatrician, the chiropractor, and an ear, nose, and throat specialist.  She started medicines, new formula, and had back adjustments three times a week.  Jake, was the best dad that I have ever seen.  Every night, even if it was 10:30 or 11:00 at night after a long day of planting corn, he took Bella, wore the carrier if he needed to, and just held her through the tears.  He gave me those five minutes a night for me to shower, and to find myself again. 

After about 9 weeks…I can’t even explain the happiness that burst from my heart.  Because, our Bella….she SMILED!  She smiled, she smiled, she smiled!  I wanted to sing it from the roof tops, and I remember calling Jake, telling him how I finally knew, that we had done everything right.  Bella was okay.  She loved us, she loved where she was at, and we were all going to be okay.  My mom was right.  This day, the day Bella smiled, was the day she never stopped.

I wouldn’t trade a day.  Bella’s first two months were, without a doubt, the hardest time of my life.  I learned so much, and grew so much, as a mother and as a wife.  I realized that I was not broken, and I would not break in times of turmoil.  These were the times when I had to stand tall, trust in God, and push on.  Why wouldn’t I trade a day?  Because we gave Liberty the best present we could have ever thought of.  A sister, and a best friend for life.  Why wouldn’t I trade it?  Because Bella has brought laughter, smiles, craziness, and dancing into our lives.  Every day with these two girls is a roller coaster ride…and we are so proud of the people we have become, and so thankful for the immeasurable joy that God has given us.

“I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.  I am never without it.  Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.” - - - e.e.cummings