Rain from heaven

Rain from heaven is a beautiful song sung by Eric Paslay.  I hardly ever get to listen to the radio anymore with two little girls who think they need Barney on in the vehicle at all times.  :) When I heard this song for the first time, I felt a full sense of peace just wash over me.  It took me back, back to about 3 years ago.  

I was driving the pickup back from Grinnell in the middle of harvest, in the middle of a huge thunderstorm.  I was a little terrified, as people were pulling over under the over passes because the rain was so hard and fast, eliminating all driving vision.  It took me at least 30 minutes longer to get home, but when I made it home, I stepped out of the pickup and walked to the house.  I smelt the rain, and looked at the huge thunderheads in the sky, and felt that sense of peace.  Little did I know...two months later we'd be meeting Liberty's birth parents.  God has that way of sending these little moments to show us that he is working his magic, whether we can see it or not.  

I wanted to write this blog to be completely REAL with everyone. Not that my other ones weren't, but I know that I focused on all the good and wonderful things that we have witnessed in our life, and in our marriage.  

I want to be able to reach those who are searching.  Searching for a will, a way, and a family.  I want to be their confidante, share their feelings, and empathize with their hearts.  We know how it feels.  We know what it is like when you can not control every aspect of your life.  We were taken in by a beautiful family, one that has 4 beautiful children.  They opened up, shared their story with us, and encouraged us along our journey.  They will never know how much we love, respect,and look up to them.  

Adoption is a beautiful thing.  It is a way for the childless couples to find their everlasting families, and to build relationships that will last a lifetime.  It is also the most terrifying, out of our control, and heartbreaking thing that you will ever be a part of.  It is not for everyone.  It almost angers me when people say to others, well if you can't have your own, you can just adopt.  Adoption is a huge undertaking, and we hold the lives of these precious children in our hands.  It takes praying, paperwork, and so many leaps of faith.  I can't even put into words the feelings that we have felt.  We cried so many tears. Tears to God for him to watch out for us, to see how much we wanted these precious unborn girls, to see how much we needed them, and promises that we would love them beyond our heart's limits.  

There were so many nights where we'd lie awake, terrified for the future.  Wanting so badly to believe that everything was going to work out perfectly, but also not wanting to get our hopes up, just to get them dashed.  My heart would pound so fast and hard, that I felt I was having a heart attack.

Do you know what it's like, to hold your baby girls in your hands, just minutes after their birth and to have that sense of fear in your heart...that this could be torn away as quickly as it was handed to you?Do you know what it's like, to wait 72 hours, then 96 more hours and signatures could be revoked...and babies returned, no questions asked?  There are no words.  We can only say that we lost weight, we lost hair, and our strength, wow our strength felt uncrushable after we made it through.  Let me tell you what it is like...to bring your baby girls home after enduring the wait...hearts so full they could burst, tears of happiness, choked up sobbing cries to our parents, and oh the hugs and kisses we covered our girls with.  Now this, is rain from heaven, washing over all of us.  Covering us with all of God's tears, tears for the families that he hand picked out for us from above.  

How do you talk to an angel?

Many of you may know this very popular song by The Heights.  The song is over 25 years old, but is a true song full of meaning for Jake and I.  It's a song about finding your true love, and holding them close.  We chose this song for our first dance as a married couple and it still brings back so much emotion when we hear it!  

It not only holds emotion for our love story, but for the love story of how we came to find our next true loves, our two daughters.  I truly believe in fate, and I know Jake wasn't a believer until these two "unexplain-able" miracles took place in bringing our two girls home.  Jake's grandpa passed away in the end of August, unexpectedly after complications of heart surgery.  He was a gentle man, who truly loved and cared for each of his grandchildren.  The tears on all the grandchildren and his children's faces at the funeral and cemetery were enough to break any one's heart. He was taken too soon.  I can't remember exact dates, but I do know that these were some hard days.  We were struggling...patiently waiting for a match, had quit fertility drugs, and I was having a hard time finding my "place". I had quit my job at the end of the school year to wait for what the future brought, needless to say, I was just lost.  Somehow, amidst the despair and these unsettled days...we received a call.  THE call.  The one to tell us that we had been chosen.  Chosen to be a little baby girl's mom and dad..and she was due to make her appearance in 2 WEEKS.  Liberty didn't wait that long, and there was lots of excitement before she was born; she was born 10 short days later.  9 days after that, we were on the road home.  Our hearts and emotions were run ragged by the events of those 19 days...but our arms were filled, and our dreams had come true!  

Job 1:21 states that "the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away".  We believe in our hearts, that Jake's Grandpa had a hand in Liberty's birth.  We know that he aided in the match,  we know that his warm hands were on our shoulders,and wrapping us in to hugs when our emotions threatened to boil over.  He was there.  If we could talk to him, our angel, there would be no words to express our gratitude.  

Fast forward about 17 months...Liberty, Jake, and I were ready for our family to grow.  While we were waiting for a match, my grandpa passed away.  He had had several months of recovery after breaking a hip in the fall, and had safely been home for a few months with his loving wife, my grandma Betty.  Another example of a great man, gone too soon.  No matter how old a person is, the grief is no different.  All of grandpa's kids, grandkids, great grandkids, extended relatives, and most of all Grandma, know what a kind heart grandpa has, and how much he worried about all of his family.  His rosary and funeral was a bath of tears.  He touched each of our lives. 

Jake and I said that we would know it was fate, if our next child was born or we were matched in the weeks after Grandpa's passing.  We prayed fervently, that it would happen.  It makes my heart pound to say that it did!  Not even two weeks later...we were matched, and a few days later, our precious Bella was born.  I can just see his smiling face in heaven, watching us as our family grew and was made whole.  I know that he would be sitting in his recliner, smiling down on us and sending his blessings.  Not talking too much, but just soaking in the happiness of his family.  God took away a great man, but he most definitely gave us another angel to watch over us.  Grandpa had a way of worrying about things until something was done about it.  In this case, he was in heaven and had a true hand in our match and bringing home Bella.

How do you talk to an angel?  How do you hold them close, and tell them how much you have prayed to them? How do you thank them, for bringing immeasurable joy? How do you tell them, that they are missed beyond words?  

We can truly say that because someone we love is in heaven, there is a little of heaven in our home.

Our own

As a mother of two beautiful girls, that God truly handed to us through the miracle of adoption, certain statements can still cut to my heart, and my husband's, as well as any adoptive parent.  

"Do you think you'll ever have your own?"
"Maybe now that you've adopted you'll have your own."

I know in my heart that people are well meaning and are not trying to break my spirit.  What I want to say is, what are my girls? What are we?  We are a family of four.  We have shared the delivery room, operating room, and patient room with our girls and their courageous birth mothers.  We were there the minute they took their first breaths, we were there to give them their first skin to skin contact, we were there to hug and kiss them...and to cry happy tears to an ever loving God that did not fail us.  
We were there. 

The only thing we did not give our girls was life.  Their birth mothers did, and they made such a strong, liberating choice.  They made a choice that was the absolute best choice for these precious baby girls.  We could not respect them any more, and we pray for them daily.  We thank God daily, for bringing us together.  They are a part of us, as we will always have a part of them.  They choose us, out of how many other couples, to be our girls' parents.  What better feeling, than to know that WE were chosen.  It makes my heart race to realize the impact of those words.  We were chosen. . .chosen to love, parent, cherish, and mother/father our girls.  

We have our own.  Our own are these two girls that we share every single day with.  The curly haired afro baby girl that I rock before bed and tuck gently into her crib each night with the soft pillowcase she loves so much.  The little girl who is a true free spirit but wants me to "hold you" every night before bed and kiss her forehead...and pray the angel of god with her dad.  There is nothing sweeter than our two girls...nothing.  They are our reason for being.  They are our reason for living.  We strive to do nothing more than to be the best mom and dad we can possibly be.  

Wild, yet gentle...

Is that even possible?  To be wild, yet gentle?  Liberty is a true, living example that it most certainly is.  I was visiting with Jake's aunt this morning and the words just flew out of my mouth as Liberty was tearing around outside with no shoes or coat on in the 40 degree weather.  "So wild, yet so gentle!"  Liberty will run full force, all day long, banging her toy cozy coupe into everything outside, pushing her shopping cart into the house as hard as she can, or as fast as she can to knock Bella over.  I'm constantly telling her to "be careful," and to "be gentle".  Her spirit can only be compared to a "wild one".  The song "wild one" by Faith Hill perfectly describes our girl.  She is a picture of beauty, with a spirit running free.  We wouldn't have it any other way. 

It almost makes me tear up to write about how truly "gentle" she can be.  Jake's grandma, Alfreda, is in her 80's.  Liberty has a relationship with her that is incredible, and so rare for a great-grandchild to have with her great-grandmother.  Alfreda visits our house almost daily, except for town days and Sundays.  If it's nice out, we'll ride the ranger in the pasture and point out everything we see.  If it's too cold, we stay in the house and Liberty and Bella play with Nana inside.  (We enjoy calling her Nana Loco, which Alfreda finds hilarious as well! ;) ) It is hard to describe their relationship...the best words may just be to call them best friends.  Liberty dances around always wanting to hold Nana's hand outside, to hand her her gloves if they fall on the ground, and to remind her to "be careful".  During supper a few days ago, Alfreda had a small scab on her face.  Liberty asked, "What's on face her?"  I tried to ignore her a few times, so as not to embarrass Alfreda but Liberty was not having it.  Finally I said, "Nana has an owie, Liberty, it's sore!"  Liberty proceeds to say, "Nana hurt, kiss Nana".  When Alfreda quietly starts to mention that she's getting tired and hungry and needs to go home, Liberty rushes to help her.  By helping her, I mean she runs to get her shoes, places them by her feet, grabs her jacket and helps her into it, and then zips the jacket for her.  She then hands Alfreda her purse and scarf.  EVERY day, she insists that Alfreda giver her hand sanitizer, so they then wash their hands together.  She walks Alfreda to the door and asks to "kiss her".  She kisses Alfreda's cheek, and opens the door for her.  If she forgets to kiss her, like she did a few weeks ago, she sprints onto the porch to yell it out to Nana to come back.  (She ran out there in the 20 degree cold with no clothes to do this!)

The relationship that Liberty has with her nana is irreplaceable.  I know that she is learning to be a compassionate, kind little girl...and we, as parents, need to instill this in our children.  

So, you see, it is possible to be wild, yet gentle...

What is a mom worth?

Many times I seem to get caught in our crazy daily life...and wonder what my "purpose" in life is.  I read voraciously, and tend to get caught up in my books during nap time and after the girls go to sleep...meaning the housework can be easily forgotten.  I have finally realized why I love reading so much.  It is a true escape, and a way for me to feel like I am still learning, and still knowledgeable.  I haven't been in the true work force for almost 3 years now.  It gnaws at me that I may not be as smart as I used to be, or that I'm losing my brain.  

After talking with one of my sisters, she truly shed a light on my life.  God placed me here, in this life, on this journey with Jake and our girls, for a reason.  My true purpose is to be their mother...to show them by way of example, what a Christian is...to teach them values, to teach them that they can be whoever they choose to be, most of all, to love them.  I do this with my whole heart...so much that I am terrified that when they go to school I won't be able to protect them like I do now.  

Each day, at the end of the day, I think back about what I would change or do differently.  Usually it is that I wish I would "unplug" more.  What is a cell phone worth?  Not much.  What is it worth to see the light in my girls eyes when they make a new discovery, to kiss their heads as I read to them, to sing silly made up songs as we are driving to town...now THAT is priceless. 

Whenever I question my destiny...I look into my girls eyes...and I know. I feel it in my heart.  This is my destiny.  God placed me here to mother, to love unconditionally, and to teach love.  Thank you, God.  For blessing me with an unimaginable, magical destiny.