“The death of a
mother is the first sorrow wept without her”.
Time has stood
still now, since December 30th. December 30th, the love
and light of our life, my mom, was admitted to the hospital. December 29th at approximately
4:15 was the last time I spoke to my mom on the phone. I have replayed these
memories, thoughts, and conversations over in my mind so many times that my
head spins. I had so much left to say to
her. I have so many questions for God.
Why did you have to take her? My heart
hurts, because I’m terrified that she is missing us so badly in heaven. How can she be truly happy in eternal life
without her family?
The nights are
when the grief strikes. It kicks us in the stomach, stabs us in the heart, and
brings us to our knees. The tears roll
when we don’t even realize it. They roll
down so many times until we have no tears left to cry. The worst part of waking up every morning is
to re-realize each day that she is gone.
We want her
back. Oh how we have cried and prayed for God to give her back to us. But in that same thought, we know that we
would never want her to suffer again in the way that she did on Earth. Her strength was unstoppable. The things she
endured to buy herself more time with us were beyond admirable. Her faith never wavered, and her big heart
never stopped giving.
I see her
pictures hanging in our house and some days I smile, other days I cry. I cry
because the pain of missing her is almost suffocating, it fills my entire chest
and heart to the point that I feel it could just shatter into pieces. I miss every piece of her. I miss her in every part and aspect of my
life. The hardest thing to bear? It’s the loneliness. The loneliness for her voice, her laugh, and
most of all, her presence.
I can hear her
in my mind. I can hear her laughing and telling stories with her grandchildren.
I can hear her and my dad teasing each other about whether she should have put
a little less seasoning on that steak. I
can see her in my mind when we were little girls, sitting at the table with her
making bierocks and sugar cookies. I can
smell her every day when I put my perfume on because I wear the same kind she
does. I can feel her in my heart, the
same way I felt a sense of peace the day God brought her home.
I know that she
is everywhere there is beauty. I saw her when the snow fell in a huge blanket a
few days ago. I saw her in the beautiful
yellow birds that visited our yard in the quite peace after the snow. I saw her in the sparkling of Liberty and
Bella’s eyes as the saw the snow for the first time after the storm.
I truly never
realized the impact of the words “I miss you,” until I reached out for my mom
and she was no longer there.
“A thousand
words can’t bring you back, I know because I’ve tried. And neither would a million tears, I know
because I’ve cried…” -Darren Heart
