“I breathe in my courage and out my fear”.

One thing no one told us about adoption was the fear that we would encounter. 

We learn fear at a very young age.  Fear of being away from our mother, fear of the dark, fear of snakes, etc.  As we age, our personalities take root and our fears change.  As I grew up, I was always afraid of separation.  I was terrified of being away from my mom.  Who knew what could happen in the hours we were apart?  I loved the fact that we were always in the same school until I reached 6^th grade.  I always knew exactly where my mom was and kept track of her closely.  

All the same, I was afraid of anything less than perfect.  In 5^th grade I threw up after getting a B on a science test.  I would make myself sick studying and obsessing over obtaining perfection.  Thankfully, I hit those magically middle school years and I stopped trying so hard to reach perfection with grades and instead turned to boys.  Now it was all about sports and looks.  How did our parents ever survive these years?  The years slipped by and my fears seemed to subside.   As high school passed into college, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find a man to spend forever with.  That fear quickly was engulfed as I met Jake.  Fear turned into bliss as we married and settled into life together.  How happy we were and how blessed we were!

New fears arose.  What if we weren’t able to get pregnant?   What if the fertility treatments didn’t work?  What if, what if, what if?  We learned to turn our fears into prayers and our prayers into actions.  We began to search (or I began to search, and reported daily all my findings to Jake).  You can’t just hand your lives over to the wrong agency, social worker, or attorney.  That is the one thing that I still have a hard time explaining.  The people who control how/when our family would grow hold our lives in the palm of their hands.  Our attorneys, our social worker, the birth parents, all controlled every aspect.  It was new to me.  I was not able to control this like I was the paper work, our portfolio, and our decisions of what outlet to use to grow our family.

I never knew fear like this existed.  A fear that caused heat to flood from my feet up to my heart to my eyes and face…fear that would stop me in my tracks.  Fear that caused my heart to pound so loudly that I swore someone standing next to me would be able to hear it.  Fear that made my stomach roll, and bodily fluids run rampant.  Fear that paralyzed my body and my eyes to leak without even realizing it. 

Adoption is not something we think lightly of.  It isn’t a second choice or a second option because we weren’t able to get pregnant.  Our family was destined to grow, just not in the exact way that nature explains.  Everything we have ever wanted is on the other side of fear.  In order to gain what we so desire, we have to wade through our fears. 

Fear cripples me even today when I think of our future.  We so badly want our family to grow even more in the future, but those fears crawl up my legs and into my heart.  I’m constantly praying to push those fears away and let God take over. 

Nothing worth having comes easily.  I pray that you, my friends, don’t let fear cripple you.  We have two little girls that wouldn't be here if we would have let our fear cloud our vision.  

“I breathe in my courage and out my fear”.

“Coincidence is God’s way of being anonymous.”

“Coincidence is God’s way of being anonymous.”

A beautiful woman in my life once told me that if my conscience is telling me to do something, then it is God’s way of saying to “go ahead, try it!”  I will never forget the first time I saw this spunky, brown skinned, smiley faced girl in church in Ellis.  Journey’s name says it all…she is the reason that my heart was filled with a yearning to have children, and later on our trek, to adoption.  Journey was not my easiest student, by far.  But she had this spirit and this fire, a fire that I loved…and a heart of gold. 

 Jake and I had come to the back to school mass and BBQ…and also “meet the teacher” night.  It was my first time to meet all my new students and parents, and I was as nervous as all get out.  To make a long story short, I met some of the kindest parents (including the woman I spoke about above and will tell you about below) and their equally big-hearted children, learned life lessons, and set out on my path to truly wanting to make a difference.  I will always be grateful for those times and faces.  They shaped me just as much and more than my childhood memories. 

I want to inspire people, I want people to look at me and say, “because of you, I didn’t give up”. 

There was someone who did that for me.  Mindy (Journey’s mom) will never know just how dear to my heart she is.  She invited me into their home and into their life without any hesitation.  Coming to their house, I was one of them…she told the tales of how her children came into their life through both adoption and biological means and I’ll never forget how much emotion it brought out when she told me their “story”.  We laughed, cried, we grew.  There are few people who have a heart like Mindy. 

When we found out about Liberty, Mindy was one of the first people that came to my mind.  She would understand all of my joy, trepidation, excitement, and terror all in one.  Her words of how none of our children are truly “ours,” they are gifted to us from our heavenly father to teach, cherish, and love here on Earth, brought me such peace.

Today, it brought tears to my eyes to see my girls happily playing along with Mindy’s kids.  Journey is all grown up now and going into 6th grade...from what I hear, she still has the heart of a lion, but the patience she showed with Liberty...warmed my heart. The circle of life is so precious.  How and when our children are given to us makes no difference.  Cherish your gifts…and hold them close. 

“Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there”.  ---Spurgeon